Monday, December 01, 2008

One More, This is the Last!

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On the First Day of December

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So much wonderfulness has happened over the last year.

And I am eternally grateful to everyone who has held my hand through it all.

Thanks to you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Can you see them?

Two tiny, teeny little pearly whites.

Monday, November 17, 2008


It smells like poop in my house.

And I don't know where it's coming from.

Friday, November 14, 2008


New Mom-Do to go with my high-waisted jeans and sensible footwear.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Confessions of a (Reluctant) Co-Sleeper

Never in a billion years did I imagine that I'd be one of those. You know who I'm talking about...a co-sleeper. One who sleeps WITH their children.

That's right. Yes, you read it correctly.


The Bean has a perfectly acceptable (and I'm sure, quite comfortable) crib in her own room. It's decorate quite nicely with warm flannel sheets with little sheep on them.

Prior to actually having children, I always imagined that parents who slept with their babies were simply crazy. I mean, give up a decent night's sleep to have your kid curled next to you?

Then I had children. And like most first-time parents the reality between what "should" happen and what "actually" happens hit me like a ton of bricks. Apparently, some babies do voluntarily sleep alone from the start. You can put them down and they'll simply sleep.

Not my Bean. Never has and probably won't for some time.

She liked to be held from the beginning, curled in the crook of my arm, on her side, facing me.

My one regret of parenting thus far was fighting this. I have tried night in and night out, months on end, to try to get her to sleep, alone, in the crib. But inevitably, she ended up back in our bed at some point during the night. She has never slept in her crib a full night. Not once.

So I am resigned. I have accepted my fate as a co-sleeping parent and have embraced it. We bought a king-sized bed. It's likely that she will not be moving out anytime soon.

And in my resignation, I have found that I love sleeping with my daughter. I love seeing her lips pursed in sleep, as if she is blowing kisses to me in her dreams. I love feeling her warm breath smelling of my milk against my cheek. I love how she reaches for my face at night, to reassure herself that I am right there, still next to her, still protecting her. I love feeling her little sturdy body next to me, being able to brush her hair with my fingers. I love that the first thing I see when I wake up is her round face peering at me, smiling at me with sleep in her eyes.

Why did I fight this for so long?

It feels so right.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


It's been a long time.

I came across this quote today from Anna Quindlen. And, as luck would have it, I'm feeling exceptionally sappy. A rare day, indeed.

“I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of (my three children) sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."

My whole life, I've always had problems living in the moment. I forever feel like I'm looking to the next step and not simply enjoying the now.

I cherish my life, my baby, my husband. I am so grateful to them and for them. And for my friends, far and near. And I don't tell them enough.

So thank you.

Today, I will live in the moment.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Today, when I stepped in the shower, I smelled something I hadn't smelled in a long time.

The scent of chlorine.

Although I am the fire sign of Sagittarius, I was truly born a Water Baby. My first foray into a pool occurred sometime around my sixth month birthday and I've never stopped.

I grew up in a pool. I started swimming competitively around the time I could read chapter books on my own. Early morning practices, biking a few blocks to jump in a cold pool, warming after a few laps back and forth. The snap of the rubber cap against my skull, the depression around my eyes that goggles would leave for hours after practice.

But mostly, what I remember is the scent of chlorine that never seemed to leave my body. Even though swimming indoors was rare (meaning, all of my pool activities happened in the summer), I smelled like chlorine year-round. When I jumped out of the shower, the smell of the pool hung in the air for hours afterwards. Sometimes, in December, I could scratch my arm and smell the pool lingering fresh on my skin.

Eventually, I stopped swimming so much. Early morning practices and hot Saturday meets ended with high school. Lifeguarding ended with college. Summers in Arizona were so hot, the pool felt like bath water and did not feel refreshing enough to make it worthwhile.

I am determined to make The Bean a Water Baby. I want her to love the ocean and the pool as I do, to count down days to summer not to be out of school, but to be in a pool. Last weekend, we took her to her first pool. She seemed a bit hesitant at first, making her serious baby faces. But she warmed up after a bit and by the end, splashed and kicked with gusto. I swam a few laps myself, ecstatic at the silvery feel of the water.

The monsoons have come early this year, and with it, bringing the summer molds which make my allergies go haywire for a few weeks before the rain leaves us for dust for another year. I haven't been smelling much. But today, when I stepped into the shower, I smelled the scent of the pool.

Summer is here.

Monday, June 23, 2008

A Worthy Goal

There is a shop in ABQ that sells only cupcakes. It is called Cake Fetish (yes, google it). Cupcakes of a variety of flavors and tastes, styles and deliciousness. Here's a random sampling of flavors:
Half-Baked – Chocolate Chip Vanilla Cake, Vanilla Buttercream and a Cookie Dough Center
“Hot” Chocolate - Chocolate Cake dipped in Chocolate with Chocolate Red Chile Buttercream
Razzmanian Devil - Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Buttercream, Raspberry filling and Chocolate Ganache

They have some flavors that are available every day and some that are available only certain days of the week.

One great thing about breastfeeding exclusively is that I can eat pretty much anything I want and not gain weight. I may not lose weight, but I'm able to maintain my current weight even while eating chocolate chip cookie dough for breakfast four days in a row. God bless the milkies.

Keeping this in mind, my mom-friend Claudia and I have agreed upon a worthy goal to complete by the end of the summer. We shall sample every flavor of cupcake before Labor Day.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Kung-Fu Cats

Naturally, now that we have a baby in the house, we have lots of baby items in the house. Paraphernalia that I was previously unaware of, stimulating the baby in ways I did not realize babies needed stimulating (I hate the term "tummy time." Barf). Swing, bouncer, Bumbo, carseat, Pack'n'Play, crib, dresser, changing table...the list goes on. (And now that I really take a look, I feel like this very small person---not even 14 pounds yet---is really taking up a lot of space.)

Lots of people ask how the animals are dealing with the transition. Since we own a menagerie of obnoxious animals, I can see the concern. The dog has adjusted well--she only gets a bit upset when the baby cries (but let's face it, who doesn't?).

The cats are a different story.

The cats, all three of them, are in love with the baby...or not so much the baby herself, but rather the previously listed things that come with the baby. They have taken up permanent residence on the baby's furniture. Every day, I find myself evicting cats from the bouncer, the crib, the changing table, the dresser...the list goes on.

It's really rather infuriating, getting their cat furs on everything.

I love them dearly, but I wish they were a bit less interested.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!

I am not sure that I spelled "Jiggety" correctly.

But anyways, I am back in Albuquerque after a quick trip home to VA to see my family. What a joy to be home. The Bean charmed the pants off of everyone she met--she was quite the little trooper. Only one day of meltdown the entire week and that was after a party the night before at her BFF Emma's house.

Flying with a four-month-old infant was quite the thrill. I'm truly amazed at how rude people are when they see a baby board a plane. Some are even outright hostile. One woman who boarded after her husband (sitting behind me) hissed at him, "How could you choose these seats! There's a BABY in front of us." I was seriously tempted to hold The Bean up over the seat and let the spit-up pour down. I refrained.

However, the woman sitting next to me did not hold in her vomit. I've probably flown close to fifty times in my life--across the world, for crying out loud--and I've NEVER seen anyone vomit into the flight bag. But she did. The whole flight. She also reeked of day-old booze. I was tempted to tell her not to drink herself into a coma the night before a flight across the country. I refrained.

So I'm home and summer is starting. Days are dragging out, the sun is hotter than ever and I am truly at peace.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I Am Here Today, Again

One more year down, but an infinity left to live. The day is almost gone, but here I am again.

The sharpness of the past has dulled over the last year. So many changes have propelled my life forward that there has been little time for reflection and looking back. But there, in the back of my mind, sits the thought of you. I am in a better place.

So still, I carry you in my heart, always.

Saturday, March 29, 2008


I am officially no longer employed.

Yesterday, I turned in my official letter of resignation to my supervisor and am embarking on the career of stay-at-home-parent.

It's scary not having a job. I can't remember the last time I didn't work, even if the job was only a few hours a week.

But it's exciting, too. I am thrilled to stay home with my baby while she is a baby--such a short time of her life. Work will still be there, waiting for me in a few short months when she's older, walking and talking.

And so, the adventure continues.

Monday, March 10, 2008

In an Instant, Everything Changes


January 21 at 11:30 P.M.

One minute, I'm writhing in the most agonizing pain known to woman-kind, my body taking over the task of expelling a human against my will; the next minute, there is a living, breathing, screaming baby on my chest, wet and sticky with life.

She is beautiful and I am in love. I think about her all the time, whether we are apart or together. I want to hold her constantly, feeling her soft skin against mine. I stroke her soft, fine hair, twirling it between my fingers like a lover.

This love, it isn't instantaneous but a gradual creeping that becomes utterly overwhelming.

This love, it is intense and all consuming.

This love. It is worth everything.