I'm Here Today

I can't believe that it's been two years.

Two years ago today and tomorrow.

I'm not sad, really--not anymore, not today, not now. Perhaps I am more in awe of my experience and how far I've come and gone in two years. I know for a fact I would not be in this place, with this life, if it had not been for two years ago. I would not be this person, not fully.

But it's a good life, and a good place to be, despite the sadness and difficulty to get me here.

Two years. It's a time for reflection for us today, time to hold hands, and perhaps a tear or two for your memory and what-might-have-been.

And so I am here.

I carry you in my heart, always.

Working on the Chain Mail, or, Passing the Baton

I finally figured out how to link up blogs to mine, so this might make a lot more sense if you read Sorority Sister Cristin's entry titled, "No One Does Anything on Fridays Anymore."

SSE! (Sorority Sister Elisabeth!)
1: I’ll respond with something random about you: On many more than one occasion, I’ve wished I had your inherent beauty. (cheese alert! Really, though)
2: I’ll challenge you to try something: Run a 5k this summer. I’m doing one May 20 and I’m more nervous about it than anything else in my life, so I think you should join me.
3: I’ll pick a color that I associate with you: warm yellow.
4: I’ll tell you something I like about you: How articulate you are. I’ve never seen you stumble over your words or search for ones that aren’t there.
5: I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you: My favorite one is from when we were practicing recruitment rotation before rush senior year and I had you and all the other #1s acting as PNMs (yeah, this response just got confusing for anyone who’s *Non-initiated*) and you guys started introducing yourselves at the door with fake names– you and barbara went on a harry potter kick, and at one point you shook my hand and intro’d yourself as Crookshanks.
6: I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of: Since I’m on a bear kick, I’m going with koala bear for you.
7: I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you: outside of who killed JonBenet, what other burning questions have you come across since college?
8: If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal: E, I’m leaving this mandate up for you.

So here you are, Sorority Sister Cristin.

Leave a reply and…
1: I’ll respond with something random about you.
2: I’ll challenge you to try something.
3: I’ll pick a color that I associate with you.
4: I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5: I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6: I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7: I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.

Now, obviously should you choose to participate in this silliness, no "Anon" comments--I may be slightly clairvoyant, but I'm not THAT good.

PS: Ironically, I was already considering training for a 5K. I don't know if I'll be up and running by May 20, but how about I agree by the end of the summer?
PPS: I really want to know what happen to the settlement on Roanoke. That's been my latest fix.

Green Thumb

Spring began right on time this year: March 21 with the Vernal Equinox. It's been raining all week, hard heavy rains, and there's just the smell of green in the air.

The Doctor is on-call this weekend, so I'm home alone. There is only so much wallowing in my own self-pity that I can handle, so I decided to get out this weekend. My Saturday morning rituals include watching Thursday night ABC shows online and normally, I don't like to be interrupted during this sacred TV time. But when my phone rang at 11, I went ahead and took the call. Turns out it was an invitation for waffles and wine, which I happily accepted.

These particular friends (a doc and her husband) are the type of people I aspire to be. They don't own a television. Music of all types is always playing on their iPod. They regularly have parties and social gatherings. We do game nights with them, both cards and the Wii. Basically, they are just neat people. Intellectual, artistic and have "interests" that are actually interesting.

One of these interests is gardening. I grew up with a grandmother who has a green thumb extraordinaire and have fond memories of harvesting and pickling cucumbers and weeding flower beds with her. So when Female Half asked if I wanted to go to the flower nursery, I jumped on the chance.

I'm going to take advantage of having a real yard, with clearly defined garden beds. Our entire fence is lined with empty lomey beds, just waiting to be filled with color and green. The rain has permeated the soil and it is damp and fertile looking. So at the nursery I purchased some calla lily bulbs; wildflowe and morning glory seeds; an herb garden; lavender plants; and pea, peppers, carrot, squash, cucumber and romaine lettuce seeds. I also got some succulents and transplanted them into hangers. They're now hanging over our large window.

I'm so excited about this. I have the little pods to start the veg in while it's still a little chilly and I'll transplant the seedlings over to the flower beds once it gets a tad warmer.

It's nice to have something to occupy these long weekends!

Submerged

In the paraphrased words of Bridget Jones, it's a known fact that the second something goes right in your life, another area goes spectacularly to shit. Now that I'm firmly entrenched in adulthood, I couldn't agree more.

The new job is not perfect. An hour commute to Santa Fe (literally 60 minutes, going 75 MpH) leaves much to be desired--including the desire for an extra hour of sleep in the morning. But the personnel is great and I'm feeling right at home. It's not my forever job, but it will certainly be doable for the next few years while we're here.

Which brings me to the shit part. This is an on-call month for the Doctor; these months are always hard for me because it means lots of lonely time by myself, usually leading to self-absorbed melancholy. And this weekend was a doozy.

I cried all weekend and I can't seem to get myself to pull out of it three days later. I feel completely submerged under this saddness and I cannot get out. Even though it's been awhile since anyone broke my heart, I feel very much like I just ended a relationship. I find my eyes unexplicably welling. I have an actual catch in my throat every time I think of Arizona and sometimes, I want to go back so desperately that I literally cannot breathe. My desire is so overwhelming it literally catches me by surprise, like a slap across my cheek.

And so I have realized, I cannot stay here. I cannot. Not when my desire to move back to Arizona is so overwhelming.

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

During the trip to L.A. this weekend to visit FIL, I had breakfast with dear friend Sasaki. She then proceeded to manipulate my torso. During this rather intimate exchange we chatted about being sick. Poor Sasaki has been ill for several weeks and I was telling her how lucky I've been at avoiding the flu or a cold this winter.

Words spoken two days too soon.

I started my new job the following Monday and began to feel ill a few hours in. You know the feelings---achy back, scratchy throat, headache. By the next morning, I felt like a complete load of shit. You know the feeling---flat out dying, the kind of feeling where you start to panic, thinking that perhaps you never will feel better.

Thankfully, I have a boss who is kind and understanding and 2.5 days of unpaid sick leave, I was back to work.

Lesson learned: I will never brag about my apparent health to anyone ever again. Pride does come before a hard fall.

Commitment Phobe

I've never been one to have a fear of commitment. In fact, I would call myself a commitment lover--I serial monogamy-ed my way through my dating years and here I am, 26 and been married almost a year.

Obviously, commitment to a person is not an issue for me.

However, as evidenced by this move to ABQ, I do have issues committing to a place, an identity as a "New Mexican." I have been stubborn about this, refusing to give an inch, refusing to like this city or to make it my home.

And then I quit my job.

Yes, this Friday is my last day, but lest you think I have been irresponsible, I will be starting my new position in the Infectious Disease Bureau with the DoH of NM. This is a job with true career potential, a job that will hopefully go somewhere, a job that could BE something.

So this is the crux I face. Is it perhaps time to accept that this is not another phase of my life to get through, not another uncomfortable and undesirable chunk of years viewed as a chore? Perhaps it is time to fully commit myself to this city, to this move (which is not so recent anymore) and ground myself in what is really my life.

Fire!!

On Friday night, we had a fire in our house.

Yes, a fire---with flames and everything.

Our house doesn't have central heat; instead, we have one grate set into the floor of the living room with a gas heater inside the space. I was sitting on the couch and kept smelling this burning stench. I thought I'd maybe left the stove burner on and got up to check. Instead, when I walked by the grate, I saw flames on the bottom.

Turns out, over the years, debris collected on the bottom of the heater. I guess the buildup had gotten deep enough to actually ignite when the heater got too hot.

It was pretty sobering and made me wonder what would have happened if we hadn't been home.

This experience also has us thinking more and more about moving.