Friday, December 10, 2004

Decisions We Make

I've been thinking alot about the decisions we make, mainly because of a conversation with my ex-Beloved. It seems that every time we talk, whether it's online or in person, he needs to justify his decision to end our relationship. He keeps saying, "I know I made the right decision" and "things are for the better now." Which has made me think about right and wrong decisions.

I don't believe the decisions we make are always wrong vs right. They just are. We make them and it's not necessarily always better, just different. It is what it is. And you pull yourself up and keep on going. Decisions don't always put life into perspective or improve our lives , they just frame life a bit differently than before; as always, though, life keeps moving and we do our best to keep up.

My all-time favorite quote (so MS, this deepness cannot be attributed to me!):

--"People have this idea that what they do changes who they are. A married man has an affair and he thinks, 'Now I'm a bad person.' As if something had changed."
--"Meaning he already was a bad person?"
--"Meaning bad isn't the issue. Meaning you do what you do. Not without consequences for other people of course, sometimes very grave ones. But it's not very helpful to regard your decisions as a series of right or wrong moves. They don't define you as much as you define them."

Over the last year, I've realized the truth of this. Was leaving Kenya the "right thing?" No. But neither was staying. It just was. I made my decision. Am I happier now? Perhaps. But life would have moved on had I stayed. Am I happier now that ex-Beloved and I broke up? I'm happy that a decision was finally made (he did what he felt he had to do), but I don't think if we had worked things out I'd be miserable right now. It'd just be different.

That said, I'm going over to MS's to enjoy my newly framed life.

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