Sunday, December 05, 2004

Home and Hearth

I've been thinking alot about my move out here and my motivation for attending the U of A. And when I'm honest with myself, I've come to the conclusion that it really was all about the ex-beloved.

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl to make decisions based on a guy. But damn, I was.

Now that I'm here in the shifting sands of Tucson, I find my heart shifting, too. After ex-Beloved and I broke it off, I was kind of bitter about coming out West. The breakup was a long time in coming--the second day I was here, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted a girlfriend through med school. And I couldn't believe I moved out here to watch my relationship disolve so far away from those I love best.

But now that I'm here alone, now that I have a life of my own, I'm realizing how truly amazing this city is. There are so many caring people in this city. Getting away from the self-centered world of Northern VA, where people only look out for themselves, is wonderful. I forget that there are people who want to make a change in this world, who want to see the bigger picture. They inspire me.

I think Tucson has the potential to be the very best thing to ever happen to me. Every day when I wake up with the sun shining through my blinds, I smile. I feel lit up inside living here. Like my smoldering passion that's normally under the surface can't help but bubble out a bit as I meet so many RPCVs, VISTAS and other people that want to do good in this world. People who are doing good in this world. I want to tap into their energy, feed myself on their altruism.

As much as I love ex-Beloved, I think I repressed a side of myself and allowed his passions to overtake mine. He wanted so badly for me to share them that he was selfish and ignored my interests; sometimes I wonder if he ever truly "got me" or just what he wanted me to be. And the saddest thing is, I let him. But now that side I hid for his benefit is coming out. For the first time in a long time I feel so happy; I can't remember ever feeling this excited about being alive. Even when the traffic is slow and the sun beats through the window making my car a mini-sauna, I drive through the streets of this little city with a smile on my heart and laughter on my lips.

No comments: